I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Mom said you looked used
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
