Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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