When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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