maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
