I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
