i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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