We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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