her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
