shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
