How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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