I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
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Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
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I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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