At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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