guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
