My liver just broke up with me...
barbara walters just said penis...
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
