if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
