I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
