In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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