what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
My vagina just recognized that song.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
