We named our party play list daddy issues
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
