chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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