Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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