Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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