Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
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Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
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I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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