Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
