remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
