DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
