I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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