I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
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