not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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