How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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