dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
