is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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