You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
