Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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