32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
