I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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