Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
