nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
We need to feng shui this bitch.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
