my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
