Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
