Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
