I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
