So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
