Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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