i already hear my dad disowning me
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
