he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
