This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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