cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
