Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?