I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.