dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats