Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
