Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
