you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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