I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Randomize
