Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
